REX MCGREGOR is a New Zealand writer specializing in comedy theatre and satirical humor. His short plays have been produced on four continents from New York and London to Sydney and Kuala Lumpur. Web site: rexmcgregor.com
Thanks to Rex McGregor for allowing NYCPlaywrights to publish this excerpt from his play TRUMPETTES ANONYMOUS. Parody of Mom (TV series).
JEL
Can we get started? I got a new man waitin’ at home.
WINDY
Not another father figure, I hope.
JEL
This one’s super young. My pool guy. Miguel. Body like a Greek god.
WINDY
Not Cupid, I hope.
JEL
Don’t worry. I asked him if he’s legal. He said he is.
BONY
Probably referring to his immigration status.
JEL
Omigod! What if he’s…?
CRUSTY
Underage?
JEL
Mexican! Trump might deport him!
BONY
Before you’ve finished using him? I hate it when that happens.
WINDY
Let’s begin the session. So Jel can get home and check her young man’s status.
JEL
Shoot, I don’t care if he’s married. If I was that fussy I’d never fill my monthly quota.
(They all sit down.)
WINDY
Who’d like to start?
CRUSTY
Shouldn’t we wait for Margarine?
WINDY
She said to go ahead without her.
BONY
First time she’s missed a meeting.
WINDY
She said she had something to do. All very mysterious.
JEL
Maybe she’s got a pool guy.
CRUSTY
She’s got a husband.
JEL
That never stopped me.
BONY
We know, Jel. You even had Margarine’s husband, didn’t you?
JEL
Before they got hitched. I don’t hookup with a friend’s current squeeze.
BONY
I’m relieved to hear it.
JEL
Keep an eye on your fella, Bony. You and me ain’t that close.
WINDY
I’ll start. My name’s Windy. And I voted for Donald Trump.
BONY, CRUSTY & JEL
Hi, Windy.
WINDY
I have no excuse. I wasn’t happy with some aspects of Obamacare. I thought a small protest vote would stop Hillary from getting too cocky when she became President. She was miles ahead in the polls. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!
(Windy whimpers.)
BONY, CRUSTY & JEL
Thanks, Windy.
CRUSTY
Hi, I’m Crusty. I voted for the asshole too.
JEL
Hi, Crusty.
BONY
Shouldn’t that be “cavity of the glutinous maxi-whatever?”
CRUSTY
Mom! No crosstalk!
BONY
Maternal instincts override meeting rules.
CRUSTY
I’ve been clean for [nine] weeks, four days and one and a half hours. My addiction is totally under control. I haven’t touched a single erotic novel. Or had a single masochistic fantasy. I’ve successfully managed a tough regime of strict self-denial.
BONY
She always was a glutton for punishment.